Birthday Parties and Gold Star Growth

 

Like most people, I get stuck on all the ways I should be better.  I’m in my early forties and I still see so much more I need to work on.  I’m still too impulsive.  I still have a low threshold for external stimuli as well as a piddily amount of mental bandwidth when it comes to active listening.  I veer on the road when I see a hawk.  Or raven.  Or crow.  I don’t like to cook. Or shop in grocery stores.  I often assume I have more time and money than, in reality, I actually do.  I need more exercise. I can go on...but I won’t.

 

The point is, I have a laundry list of stuff I need to improve on.  So it always strikes me odd when I realize I have had growth.  We rarely notice it when we do. It doesn’t help that people will harp about anything wrong but once you do it and get over it, people just stop talking.  That’s it. Once in a while you’ll find someone who not only notices your improvement but says something like, “Hey you, that’s good!” and hopefully not in a condescending way. But usually it’s dead silence.  So you don’t really get the gold mark, and like an adult, you deal with that.  Onwards, and all that crap.

 

Recently my friend was telling me about the birthday party she took her daughter to over the weekend, and all the festivities and fun. A few days earlier she had mentioned she was going out to buy the birthday boy/girl a gift and I asked if she was bringing her daughter along and, being the wise maven she is, she said, “hell no,”  which is the right answer. 

 

Because let me tell you, to do otherwise is to court chaos. I should know.  As a child, I always went with my mom to shop for a birthday gift for the party I was to attend.  As a mother, I question why she brought my high-maintenance ass anywhere, but I’m thinking it had a lot to do with having flighty teenage sisters at home who were rarely on planet earth, much less, able to provide genuine supervision, so I got to ride shotgun with Moms.  Just my mom, me, and my expectations.

 

Inevitably, I would start enthusiastic for the other child.  I would be pleased as punch to think up different toy ideas for their birthday.  But I would soon see something that would spark my interest.  I would say, “Well, I don’t know about this for my friend but I sure would like one of these….somedayyyyy.” And my mom would catch on and be like, “Put that down, this isn’t for you.” And all at once I would remember how much I truly hated this part of the gift buying process--the part where I got nothing.  Nothing.  I was all for getting my friend a gift.  But how about, just for fun, we get me one too? 

 

I like to think I touched a chord in my mom’s soul and that’s why she eventually relented and bought a small packet of stickers or a punching balloon, a coloring book, or Play-doh.  But the truth is, I was a melancholic menace until she relented and bought me, poor little me, just a little something.

 

The birthday party that followed always had me ready to leave before I arrived.  The external stimuli and general jacked-up glee of parties greater than three kids in attendance usually left me feeling awash, untethered, and vaguely shaky.  I did warn you that I was high-maintenance.  Looking at pictures of my childhood self during these parties catch me pale-faced and wide-eyed.  I look as if I just came back from a warzone that rendered me mute. 

But yet, there I was, ready to pony up to the next party, any chance I got.  And I think it is that impulse that led me to the person I am today.  I love throwing parties for others.  I love giving gifts.  Giving others joy makes me glow, warms my cackly dark heart.  I don’t usually need to purchase something for myself anymore.  I’m proud to say I’ve outgrown that impulse, that special type of materialistic FOMO.  No one has given me a gold star yet, but that’s alright.  Onwards.  Just don’t ask me to cook.  

Gratitude and Striving

 “Be happy with what you have, while working for what you want.”-Helen Keller

Every June as the sun shines hotter and brighter and my air conditioning bill increases by the same measure, I find myself relishing autumn and winter scenes.  Each year, I swear that I will appreciate and savor the cooler temperatures, the tastes, and smells and all the wonderful coziness that these seasons will bring.

Isn’t that always the way? I write my best odes to winter during summer. I missed my office during the COVID-19 quarantine more than I ever thought I would pre-pandemic. There’s that old adage: You never know how much you love someone or something until it is gone.  And that’s all well and fine but what if you’d rather love and enjoy it while you’ve got it?  How do you set up that habitual awareness and mindfulness to not lose sight of the good stuff? 

It’s a balancing act: trying to accept what comes with grace and gratitude while not losing the drive to steer your life where you want to be.  In a world where you are told you can be, do, or have anything, right away, and personalized, immediately, being content eludes us.

What can be done? Recognize that when we are striving, we are usually future-focused and thinking of actions and steps along the way to wherever we want to end up, and while it isn’t that we aren’t grateful during these times, but more that we are distracted from gratitude during these periods in our life.   This is okay in the short term. But the trick of it is to not get so far removed and unacquainted with the present that you forget to stop and take stock of what you’ve got.

Gratitude gets mentioned to death because it is important an important key to happiness:

Giving Thanks Can Make You Happier (Harvard Health Publishing, 2021) 

The Science of Gratitude (Pratt, 2022)

Gratitude is a Key to Happiness: 4 Reasons Why (Brower, 2021)

 Striving and gratitude usually reside on opposite ends of the spectrum for many of us.  But just as you don’t want to get so future-focused that you lose sight of today’s gifts, you also don’t want to lose your passion and zest for the future and what it holds.

Contrary to what you might think, striving is also a key to happiness.  Striving means having something to grow towards or a goal to keep us excited and engaged in life.  We have a brighter future.  We feel more alive, happier, and loving. 

Maybe, with enough practice we will be able to embody both the striving and the appreciation of the now in one sitting.  But in my personal experience, you will swing between the states.  Misery tends to increase if you stay stuck on any one side for too long.

I think of it like rowing a canoe across a lake. To row you use both oars or alternate sides you stroke on.  Why?  Because it keeps you going straight. If there is an imbalance between the rowing, you end up going in a circle. 

Some very organized and efficient individuals have daily practices that support the separate rowing of striving and appreciating.  Some visualize success on a daily basis by meditating, visualizing, affirming, etc.  Those are striving practices.

 And then at night they may have a journal writing habit of recounting how the day was good to them.  They appreciate the now.

 I don’t know if it is necessary to check in daily but a week’s worth of time gives you enough material to work with.  A weekend is ideal for practicing gratitude for the prior week’s gifts and then planning for future goals and projects for the week ahead.

 You will find the rhythm that works best for you.  Start with the awareness of incoming gifts and outgoing flow energy for future goals/wants/projects/etc.  Just being aware is sometimes enough to find your balance.

Resistance to Positive Change

 There are many ways to resist making a positive change. I feel like I might be an expert on all of them. 

At 8 a.m. today it was already 80 degrees. I thought about the walk I had planned on taking this afternoon and checked the weather. When I saw today’s high temperature at 95 degrees, I was not disappointed, but relieved.  Because the last thing I wanted to do was actually take a walk. And yet, at the same time it is probably the one thing I need to do most.  I know this because of my tight muscles, tense jaw, and somewhat sour attitude.  A little fresh air, sunshine, and blood flow would do me good. 

I am learning that resistance is often a good compass.  The thing you want to do the least is often the thing you must do most.  I am not talking about anything unhealthy or illegal here, just in terms of the things we know that we “should” be doing and yet, are not.  It strikes me odd that if we needed something, why would we avoid it so much?  It reminds me of that paradox of nausea and dehydration. The more you vomit, the more dehydrated you get, which in turn makes you more nauseated. Or the fact that when you are at your most dehydrated, you no longer will feel thirsty.  And if you are about to freeze to death, you will feel hot and overheated to the point of shedding clothes despite standing barefoot on a frozen tundra. This whole “resistance to what you most need” schtick is garbage, but it’s what we are stuck with.

So, there are things that we really, really do not want to do, despite their payoff, whether immediate, or more common, delayed.  We hate it when we start doing it.  But as the minutes tick by we begin to enjoy whatever it is we are doing, or at the very least, it stops sucking so bad.  And then, at the conclusion, we are so happily convinced by the exercise, healthy meal, etc. that we want to make it a habit. We might even wonder what took us so long.

But tomorrow, at about the same time as today, when it is time to walk or eat that balanced breakfast or whatever else is nagging at you, you will meet with the same resistance as today. 

They say it takes 21 days to make a habit and maybe if you do the new thing consistently for 21 days it won’t be met with such opposition each time you confront it.  I know this to be true from other habits I’ve adopted and now do without thinking about.

Something I find helpful in embracing resistance and doing the thing anyway, is finding one aspect that you find enjoyable and that will make you a little more excited about doing it. The only rule is that you don’t get to feel bad if that aspect seems silly.  For example, one of the ways I motivate myself to walk is to think about the sights I will see.  I like seeing how the neighborhood is, look at different landscaping designs, and outside décor.  We live in a suburb that made keeping nature alive a priority. We have many different types of trees, parks, and areas to observe the local wildlife.  If the thought of this doesn’t motivate me, I go to my old standby-PokemonGo.  I definitely need to hatch some eggs and as anyone who plays PokemonGo knows, walking is the only way to do that.  It may seem silly, but it works.  And if it works, it works.  Identifying what I do like about whatever it is I’m resisting doing has been helpful. 

So, whatever that thing is that you’re resisting, see if you can find one aspect of it that is enjoyable, an area to zero in on. Something cool happens when you focus on that positive aspect.  Inspiration starts to take hold and the energy rut you felt chained to loosens its grip.

But I’m still not taking a walk in 95-degree heat.

Cognitive Distortions and What to Say When You Speak to Yourself

 When I went to open the text editor for this piece of writing it loaded strangely at first and had last time’s writing with today's date. I honestly don't feel the need to repeat any days so was rather disturbed about it until I reloaded. And whammo, all better.

I looked high and low for a quote the other day.  Googled it.  Went through copious emails in the trash folder combing through each and every one in case one of them contained the quote I was looking for.  And it was a good try.  It should have been there.  

Largely my quote gathering comes from articles online, quote generator emails, and newsletters.  But it wasn't there.  I finally had to give up.  I remembered that the last time I encountered the quote, it was actually the second time I had seen it.  I remember thinking, ‘This quote is getting popular,’ as we all know there are certain quotes that are forever done into the ground while others have a higher but overall smaller arc.  But this particular quote struck me to be a one-off that was going to probably cycle back around. So I hoped I would see it again and let it go. 

Today, going through all the loose slips of paper and random printouts in my shoulder bag and I came across a torn chunk of white paper. The scribbling on it read, "Be careful how you interpret the world-it's like that," by Erich Heller.  And whammo, all better.  

I had originally wanted to find it because I was doing a "Lessons Learned in 2020-21" journal entry and that was one of my lessons.  It goes more deep than just merely cultivating a positive attitude or rosy outlook.  It means, careful, careful, as you go about your day, do not feed assumptions as facts.  As soon as you think you know why someone did something, you're biased. And you're hurt.  And you're often pissed or frustrated.  

And we’re very likely wrong, too.  Unfortunately, I can easily call up memories from when my foregone conclusions went astray.  And I came out looking like a paranoid obsessive.  It's not a good look.  I don't like it.

Our interpretations of life and the events around us do have a direct and powerful impact on our well-being.  This is not to say that if something tragic and meaningless happens, you can still be happy-just change your assumptions!  No, that isn’t what I’m saying.  I’m talking about everyday life.  The grind. What happens during those days that makes you slip the track.  So in an effort to better understand the moment when I go from being on a regular, constructive track and slip onto the less constructive path I’ve become more mindful of that moment when the day goes from being cool and something you’re excited about to something decidedly less joyful.  Behind that trigger there are usually assumptions. Negative assumptions.  (Positive assumptions aren’t so much a problem)

Assumptions are things that are instinctual and probably were for our species’ benefit in evolution.  But 2021 instincts have us trippin where we needn’t.

Try to identify the thoughts that are upsetting you.  I use Woebot (app) and it has you type the thoughts out.  I felt dumb at first, but I was ready to try anything to feel less moved by negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are called “cognitive distortions” in therapy. There are many different types of cognitive distortions.  

After you’ve written out your thoughts, pick one that upsets you the most. Try to identify the cognitive distortion from the list.

Now that you can identify the fallacies in the logic of your most troubling thought, challenge the logic.  Ask yourself, “Is this always true? What can I say to myself instead?”

The words we choose to describe our experience have a profound impact. Words that are negative or one-sided inadvertently make situations/people/events completely that negative thing.  That is how the paradigm becomes.  It is this obstacle, this maddening person, or this frustrating challenge.  Your scope for a brighter future becomes more narrow.  You might even begin to think a situation is hopeless, which makes you feel more hopeless.  Giving life to any one negative descriptor (no matter how apt it might be) only gives it the gas.  It becomes more dire, more helpless, more frustrating.  And once you feel that way, the part of your brain that has been dutifully churning out ideas and insights into this matter, closes up shop and draws the blinds.  Business is closed for the time being.  Which means you are not looking or on alert for opportunities.  

Opportunities are slippery and elusive. Some appear wonderful and great and if you're over the age of 30 and lived a somewhat normal existence the only normal response to these types of opportunities is, "Sure, what's the catch?" Because they're normally not like that.  If you look back over your life, and the choices you made that defined you, there were times, of course, where it was a paramount moment or a rite of passage, but many times, as we look at the nuanced way life formed us, it was in response to the small nudges and glimmers that we followed up on.  So if you're on Operation Sadsack you are not going to glimpse these shimmery, almost mirage-like findings.  And even if you do go, "Oh hey, look over there.  An interesting thing to look into that might help," Operation Sadsack will holler, "You shut up over there! There is none of that around here.  There is no hope. What are you thinking?! You know that won't work out."  And then you don't try the thing, or look into the thing. 

Or we jump to conclusions.  We have foregone conclusions and the minute you start with a foregone conclusion, "I have tried every available option," or "Things will never  be better with this person because they will always be_______" you have a bias and a foregone conclusion.  A little package of dreary mind games you are playing all by yourself. 

So the words we speak to ourselves, in the form of thoughts, which form our attitudes, define the situation in our heads, and set it in stone.  If there are to be solutions, if you're analysis is negative, you will be more likely to view any possible visible solutions as not competent and entirely unlikely to see any of the shimmering glimmers or feel any gentle curious nudges.  

Now, going back to those moments in your life when you followed through on glimmers and nudges and they led you to a vocation, a lifestyle, a special person or pet, a home, a passion.  That's what we're here for.  So let's be careful how we interpret our challenges, because they're like that.

It's Always Something

In the immortal words of Gilda Radner, it’s always something. I believe a lot of us can relate to her sentiment, especially now.

The pandemic rocked the whole world. We froze. Time stood still. Everyday actions and movements were analyzed. You wondered if you just rubbed your nose with your hand and when the last time you washed it was (usually <10 minutes before). You realized the magnitude of simple, simple actions and that whole lives were lost due to such small, otherwise inconsequential incidents. One moment of exposure that slipped through the cracks. You wondered if it would be you next. If you have children, you probably thought about what would become of them if you suddenly fell ill and passed away. And while on that mental spin cycle, a lot of us quickly learned that while most of our lives had come to a standstill, the one thing that did continue to march on with a steady tempo was chaos.

Chaos was afoot. Whether it was learning to accomodate, and continuting to innovate and deliver during telework with all those various pitfalls (Zoom, emails, random phone calls and text messages at all hours of the day, dropped VPN), or WFH while parenting and schooling/daycaring from home and all that that delivered (our children and pets attending meetings). You may have lost an income, a job. Or maybe a loved one. You might have been an ad hoc, impromptu caregiver for loved ones with susceptible conditions. If you celebrated any holidays or rituals last year, you probably found that what you gained in depth by enjoying a "slow" holiday, you lost in width by a loss of relatives and friends you normally celebrate alongside. Not to mention the constant political turmoil, natural disasters, and civil rights injustices that kept playing out on repeat, day after day, week after week.

And here we are. We're returning to a new normal The work that is set ahead for us now is myriad and thorough from a worldwide, nationwide, state, county, city, community, and home-levels. And within. That’s what we'll be focusing on here: the care and work we do for ourselves, on ourselves.

The first step is learning to cope and live again amidst stress and chaos. We cannot wait to work on our wellbeing at some future date when things are calm or normal again. Because as Gilda (and incidentally, her father, too) would tell you, there's always something.

Realistic Expectations

 I made a list of things I wanted to do on a recent Saturday. I typo'd my way through my note app to make the following list:

-Lessons Learned in 2020-21 (journaling)
-Tarot reading (for the month?, for the week?)
-Dollhouse room-Research for inspiration
-Writing
-Cross Stitch
This is what I instinctively did, the passionate note nearly already forgotten:
-Start laundry
-Go upstairs and get the next load of laundry
-While upstairs, change into leggings, I'm home now so comfort first
-Refill the thumbtack tin with thumbtacks (what? why?)
-Stare longingly at my label maker....because wasn't there something.....something I should do?
-Empty my trash and recycling bins underneath my work desk
-Contemplate washing the linens, I don't have to, another week won't hurt per se, but wouldn't it feel much better tonight? But is the payoff worth the price of not doing the list of things I typed out earlier? Decide against it.
-Stare searchingly into bathroom...is there anything....anything I forgot?
-Come downstairs
-Start new load of laundry.
-Take out garbage/recycling I brought down
-Make a nest on the couch to do creative activities at
-Start mindlessly eating gummy bears even though I quit them successfully for four days (what can I say? Life got stressful and emotional and I'm an emotional gummy bear eater.) -Pick up phone & open PokemonGo
-Catch myself, stop, and begin writing

I am ADHD which I'm sure you've guessed. I've always been like this, firing on all cylinders or day-dreamy and scattered. And sometimes, just for fun, I am all of it at once. Which overwhelms and stresses me. It's great fun.

While I'm naturally scattered, I've noticed since the beginning of quarantine and telework it has only worsened and not just for myself, even as things begin to normalize.

If you are fortunate enough to say that the 2020 pandemic, while stressful and upsetting for all, largely left you unscathed (that is to say, still employed, alive, and having suffered no loss of relatives) you still likely felt the tension mounting and the scatter starting as you attempted to mesh both work and home. Many of us found ourselves working for the benefit of our home while from our actual homes. Pre-pandemic this was thought to be the ideal working situation for many. We have since learned that WFH or teleworking has its own blessings and bumps, just like everything else.

Three months into quarantine people were joking about wearing pajamas all day, or the same shirt several days in a row, or not showering daily. And as the pandemic rolled from summer to fall and then winter, we have found ourselves missing colleagues, even the annoying ones, and wondering if what we're basically fighting for, in normal everyday life, is a home and a family then why aren’t we happier? For many, a lethargy took hold while usage of the word “languish” rose in popular culture. “Flourish or languish,” they said.

Now, with vaccination rates climbing and Coronavirus cases lessening, we are looking to begin life with a new template, yet again.

It’s been heavy folks, and even as it improves, it changes. And that’s hard.

So I don't think it is any wonder that we are all the more scattered even while things start to normalize or transition into the "new normal." Becoming fluid in the work and home categories of our lives jostled the other life categories as well. And it will be necessary to re-tool those processes as well.

Be patient with yourself, with others. Keep your expectations for yourself sane. Be gracious in times of confusion, with yourself and with others.

There is no guide to returning to life post-pandemic. Maybe someday. But today we just have best management practices and the first one is self-compassion. We will figure out our new routines and processes, options for work and play. And we’re going to fall down and forget some things. This isn’t the time to chastise yourself. That won’t be helpful, if ever it was, but is especially unhelpful for these times. Breathe. Fix what you can, apologize if applicable, but don’t beat yourself up. We’ll get this, in time.

Balance

 

"My friend Karen says that life is like a sound board. When music is mixed, the sound technician needs to adjust the levels to make the music sound its best. If one person or instrument needs to be really loud, everything else can't be loud too because the board can't handle it and, more importantly, the music won't sound its best.

The same is true in life. If one thing is dominating during a particular season, that's okay, as long as adjustments are made to other areas."

-FRINGE HOURS: Making Time for You by Jessica Turner

Rare is the circumstance where all levels must be silenced but one. An example might be staying in the hospital for treatment. Obviously you should not be focusing your attention on the bills at home, the kids’ homework schedules, or when the last time you Spring-cleaned was. But this is a rare (hopefully) occasion where your health and wellness level needs to be much higher than the other levels, to the point of it being your one and only focus, as much as it can be.

All other situations usually allow for a readjustment moment and scanning. What sounds are popping up? Is there a nagging static? What are things nagging thoughts circling our heads? Carefully, we can begin to name these things (being mindful of the types of words and the sense they bring) and decide:

-Does this need first priority? Second? Can it wait? Who and what do I most value?

-If not high priority: Can someone else do this? Indeed, is there someone else that should be doing this? Does it need to be done?

Name it, decide what to do about it (adjust the volume, or focus, accordingly). Remember to breathe. But not too fast. That’s hyperventilating and that’s for another blog entry.

All the good stuff-

Jen