There Is Only the Map You Make

 

I'm back. I don't have any answers yet 😔, but I am finding that I require them less.  I remember Rilke said something about this and about trying to love the questions themselves.  I'm not at that stage yet.

While answers elude me and I grow ambivalent to their existence, I am finding some new sources of light I mentioned in an earlier post. 

Like most things in life, I do not always find new sources of light where I expect.  That's not to say that comforting or meaningful activities aren't as much so, just that I've been getting "more bang for my buck" so to speak, from activities I initially didn't want to do or had an otherwise appallingly low bar for.  Much of my personal and work life has been swallowed up by these types of "grin and bear it" activities this year.  These are activities that I had low to zero expectation for.  My only plan was to endure, survive, retreat. 

As it turns out, and to no one's surprise,  I was wrong. 

Sure, there were tense or tough times but someone in the group would rise to the occasion or the tide would inevitably turn, someone would crack a joke, or so on.  Unlikely friendships were forged that offered gifts that could not have been given any other way.  They just couldn't have.  I have wondered after each meeting, game, or group gathering, after each of these encounters, how every single one of them was exactly the way it had to be for the moment, gift, sentence, smile, etc. to hit just right. The "right person had to say it to that person at the right time" type of situation.  Little gifts.  We are giving them to each other all day and sometimes we don't even notice.  And I dreaded these things prior?  It seems funny now.  Unlikely spots and places, you just never know. 

I also have clarity within myself about certain matters.  Certain things are ringing differently with me now.

For instance, it's nearing the end of September and I don't know how many more Christmases I have with my parents.  Morbid? Maybe. But, it's real. And I feel like I no longer have time to dance around the details. This makes some people uncomfortable, like, well, my parents.  I am working to refine my presentation when I express this. The point for me is that this clarity of knowing there are a finite number of Christmases left is shocking but fortifying. It makes it very clear how my future Christmases will be spent. 

The point is, I'm facing these questions. Many don't. I don't fault them but I've lost too many people too suddenly to not be mindful of the time I have with those I still have. And further, having made this decision, and acting upon it, brings me peace.  I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. 

So yes, while there are no answers, I'm finding that the grief of so many "should have beens" is falling away and being replaced by treasures found in unlikely places and a fortified peace in seeing my priorities more clearly.  Which, isn't too bad I suppose.